pretty amazing grace

What I will remember most from my Papay Nongnong was his independence. He's the second in 4 siblings, my mother being the eldest. I don't know if he's been in any place aside from Bicol. I think from the family, he's the one who has never been to Manila. He enjoys being in the field, being in the salog, might be because it's more comfortable to be near nature. A very hard-working man. He has been Papang and Mamang's constant help in the affairs of the coprahan and abaca. When I was in high school, he would help in the setting-up of the sound system whenever there are barayle in our barangay, and even in other barangays, as he is a staff of Munoy Narcing's lights and sounds. He would come home very early in the mornings (already) during these times. These rakets was aside from helping in the coprahan. He was the one who took charge of Papang and Mamang's house in the salog when Papang had to be in the hospital a lot of times, especially when he had an operation for appendicitis. That was when Papay Ahmel was still in Saudi and Mamay Ely was in Manila working. *sighs*

2008. For a span of 10 months, we've already had 2 births -- Arjhen (Jenny and Arnel's) and John Luis (Novie and Erwin's) -- and 2 deaths -- Papang and Papay Nongnong. How ironic. But I guess that is how life really goes. May nawawala at may dumarating. And death is one of the surest thing in this world. Eventually, we all will die. I was just saddened by the fact that I was not able to convey the message of salvation to both my Papang and my Papay Nongnong (and especially to Papay Nongnong, as I am not that close to him and I'm here in Manila during the times he's in the hospital). When Papang was in the hospital, I was able to visit him. And in a way, ministered to him. We prayed for him. It really pains me to see them all going and me, still waiting for the right time. When is the right time? What if something happened to all of them? The past months, there has been constant earthquake in Patag, and I don't know where this is coming from. It breaks my heart to see my family going through all these and I'm still covered in my shell for fear of rejection and persecution.

This morning, out of nowhere, while walking to the office, I was singing Paglisan. The lyrics just pierced through me.

Kung ang buhay ay isang umagang nakangiti
At ikaw ay ang lupang sinusuyo ng bituin
Di mo man silip ang langit
Di mo man silip ito'y nandirito pa rin
Kung ang lahat ay may katapusan
Itong paglalakbay ay makakarating din sa paroroonan
At sa `yong paglisan Ang tanging pabaon ko
Ay pag-ibig
Hmmm

Sa pagbuhos ng ulan Sa haplos ng hangin
Alaala mo ay nakaukit sa pisngi ng langit
Di man umihip ang hangin ahhh
Di man umihip ika'y nandirito pa rin
Kung ang lahat ay may katapusan
Itong paglalakbay ay makakarating din sa paroroonan
At sa `yong paglisan Ang tanging pabaon ko
Ay pag-ibig
Ay pag-ibig
Ay pag-ibig
Ooh ooh ooh ooh**

Maybe, I was just in the mood for mourning. As was the weather (it was raining when the sun should have been). I'm even wearing all black, I just realized. A lot of things are really happening already. And maybe, this is a wake-up call. And I really have to do something about it. If only all this will be gone after I cried. Then it would be very easy. And life, is not easy.

** Paglisan. Color it Red. Lyrics Download.

I think I have sinusitis. I have "colds" for two to three weeks now. Decolgen, Neozep, Ascorbic Acid and (really) lots of water just won't work. How do I get rid of this???
*break*

I need a part-time job. I don't know where I can get one. The ones on-line seem to be not working (a scam! ^_~).
*break*

Really liked the Great Taste Caffe Chocolat Iced Coffee! Tasted very good! (Although, I'm not allowed to drink coffee, haha).
*break*

I can't seem to get my mind on something more "important" to write. I have a very bad case of head ache and "coldness" right now. I want to go home and rest.
*break*

Back to sinusitis:

Sinusitis*

You're coughing and sneezing and tired and achy. You think that you might be getting a cold. Later, when the medicines you've been taking to relieve the symptoms of the common cold are not working and you've now got a terrible headache, you finally drag yourself to the doctor. After listening to your history of symptoms, examining your face and forehead, and perhaps doing a sinus X-ray, the doctor says you have sinusitis.

Sinusitis simply means inflammation of the sinuses, but this gives little indication of the misery and pain this condition can cause. Chronic sinusitis, sinusitis that persists for at least 3 weeks, affects an estimated 32 million people in the United States. Americans spend millions of dollars each year for medications that promise relief from their sinus symptoms.

Sinuses are hollow air spaces, of which there are many in the human body. When people say, "I'm having a sinus attack," they usually are referring to symptoms in one or more of four pairs of cavities, or spaces, known as paranasal sinuses. These cavities, located within the skull or bones of the head surrounding the nose, include the frontal sinuses over the eyes in the brow area; the maxillary sinuses inside each cheekbone; the ethmoids just behind the bridge of the nose and between the eyes; and behind them, the sphenoids in the upper region of the nose and behind the eyes.

Each sinus has an opening into the nose for the free exchange of air and mucus, and each is joined with the nasal passages by a continuous mucous membrane lining. Therefore, anything that causes a swelling in the nose -- an infection or an allergic reaction -- also can affect the sinuses. Air trapped within an obstructed sinus, along with pus or other secretions, may cause pressure on the sinus wall. The result is the sometimes intense pain of a sinus attack. Similarly, when air is prevented from entering a paranasal sinus by a swollen membrane at the opening, a vacuum can be created that also causes pain.

Symptoms

Sinusitis has its own localized pain signals, depending upon the particular sinus affected. Headache upon awakening in the morning is characteristic of sinus involvement. Pain when the forehead over the frontal sinuses is touched may indicate inflammation of the frontal sinuses. Infection in the maxillary sinuses can cause the upper jaw and teeth to ache and the cheeks to become tender to the touch. Since the ethmoid sinuses are near the tear ducts in the corner of the eyes, inflammation of these cavities often causes swelling of the eyelids and tissues around the eyes, and pain between the eyes. Ethmoid inflammation also can cause tenderness when the sides of the nose are touched, a loss of smell, and a stuffy nose. Although the sphenoid sinuses are less frequently affected, infection in this area can cause earaches, neck pain, and deep aching at the top of the head.

However, most patients with sinusitis have pain or tenderness in several locations, and symptoms usually do not clearly define which sinuses are inflamed.

Other symptoms of sinusitis can include fever, weakness, tiredness, a cough that may be more severe at night, and runny nose or nasal congestion. In addition, drainage of mucus from the sphenoids (or other sinuses) down the back of the throat (postnasal drip) can cause a sore throat and can irritate the membranes lining the larynx (upper windpipe). On rare occasions, acute sinusitis can result in brain infection and serious complications.

Causes

Most cases of acute sinusitis are preceded by virus-induced "colds." These viral "colds" do not cause symptoms of sinusitis, but they do cause inflammation of the sinuses. Both the "cold" and the sinus inflammation usually resolve without treatment in two weeks. However, the inflammation might explain why colds increase the likelihood of developing acute sinusitis. For example, the nose reacts to an invasion by viruses that cause infections such as the common cold, flu, or measles by producing mucus and sending white blood cells to the lining of the nose, which congest and swell the nasal passages. When this swelling involves the adjacent mucous membranes of the sinuses, air and mucus are trapped behind the narrowed openings of the sinuses. If the sinus openings become too narrow to permit drainage of the mucus, then bacteria, which normally are present in the respiratory tract, begin to multiply. Most healthy people harbor bacteria, such as Streptococcus pneumoniae and Haemophilus influenzae, in their upper respiratory tracts with no ill effects until the body's defenses are weakened or drainage from the sinuses is blocked by a cold or other viral infection. The bacteria that may have been living harmlessly in the nose or throat can multiply and cause an acute sinus infection.

Sometimes, fungal infections can cause acute sinusitis. Although these organisms are abundant in the environment, they usually are harmless to healthy people, indicating that the human body has a natural resistance to them. Fungi, such as Aspergillus, can cause serious illness in people whose immune systems are not functioning properly. Some people with fungal sinusitis have an allergic-type reaction to the fungi.

Chronic inflammation of the nasal passages (rhinitis) also can lead to sinusitis. Allergic rhinitis or hay fever (discussed below) may be complicated by episodes of acute sinusitis. Patients with allergic rhinitis also often have chronic sinusitis. Vasomotor rhinitis, caused by humidity, cold air, alcohol, perfumes, and other environmental conditions, also may be complicated by sinus infections.

Acute sinusitis is much more common in certain patients than in the general population. For example, sinusitis occurs more often in patients with reduced immune function (such as patients with immune deficiencies and HIV infection) and with abnormality of mucus secretion or mucus movement (such as cystic fibrosis and diseases of abnormal cilia (Kartagener's syndrome)).

Chronic Sinusitis

Chronic sinusitis refers to inflammation of the sinuses that continues for at least 3 weeks, but often continues for months or even years.

As noted above, allergies are frequently associated with chronic sinusitis. Patients with asthma have a particularly high frequency of chronic sinusitis. Inhalation of airborne allergens (substances that provoke an allergic reaction), such as dust, mold, and pollen, often set off allergic reactions (allergic rhinitis) that, in turn, may contribute to sinusitis. People who are allergic to fungi can develop a condition called "allergic fungal sinusitis."

Damp weather, especially in northern temperate climates, or pollutants in the air and in buildings also can affect people subject to chronic sinusitis.

Like acute sinusitis, chronic sinusitis is more common in patients with immune deficiency or abnormalities of mucus secretion or movement (e.g., immune deficiency, HIV infection, cystic fibrosis, Kartagener's syndrome). In addition, some patients have severe asthma, nasal polyps, and severe asthmatic responses to aspirin and aspirin-like medications (so-called non-steroidal anti-inflammatory drugs, or NSAIDs). These latter patients have a high frequency of chronic sinusitis.

Diagnosis

Although a stuffy nose can occur in other conditions, like the common cold, many people confuse simple nasal congestion with sinusitis. A cold, however, usually lasts about 7 to 14 days and disappears without treatment. Acute sinusitis often lasts longer and typically causes more symptoms than just a cold. A doctor can diagnose sinusitis by medical history, physical examination, X-rays, and if necessary, MRIs or CT scans (magnetic resonance imaging and computed tomography).

Treatment

After diagnosing sinusitis and identifying a possible cause, a doctor can prescribe a course of treatment that will reduce the inflammation and relieve the symptoms.

Acute sinusitis is treated by re-establishing drainage of the nasal passages, controlling or eliminating the source of the inflammation, and relieving the pain. Doctors generally recommend decongestants to reduce the congestion, antibiotics to control a bacterial infection, if present, and pain relievers to reduce the pain.

Over-the-counter and prescription decongestant nose drops and sprays, however, should not be used for more than a few days. When used for longer periods, these drugs can lead to even more congestion and swelling of the nasal passages.

Most patients with sinusitis that is caused by bacteria can be treated successfully with antibiotics used along with a nasal or oral decongestant. An antibiotic that fights the bacteria most commonly associated with sinusitis is the initial treatment recommended.

Many cases of acute sinusitis resolve without antibiotics. However, patients with underlying allergic disease, and infectious sinusitis, need to be treated to relieve their allergy symptoms. Patients with asthma and infectious sinusitis often have exacerbations of asthma which need to be treated. Many physicians feel that some patients with severe asthma have dramatic symptom improvement when their chronic sinusitis is treated with antibiotics.

Doctors often prescribe steroid nasal sprays, along with other treatments, to reduce the congestion, swelling, and inflammation of sinusitis.

Chronic sinusitis is often difficult to treat successfully, as symptoms persist even after prolonged courses of antibiotics. In general, the treatment of chronic sinusitis, such as with antibiotics and decongestants, is similar to treatment of acute sinusitis. However, the role of bacterial infections, and hence the usefulness of antibiotics in treating chronic sinusitis, is debated. Steroid nasal sprays are commonly used to reduce inflammation in chronic sinusitis. Although these nasal sprays are occasionally used for long-term treatment for patients with chronic sinusitis, the long-term safety of these medications, especially in children, is not fully understood, and the benefits and risks need to be balanced. For patients with severe chronic sinusitis, a doctor may prescribe oral steroids, such as prednisone. Because oral steroids can have significant side effects, they are prescribed only when other medications have not been effective.

Although sinus infection cannot be cured by home remedies, people can use them to lessen their discomfort. Inhaling steam from a vaporizer or a hot cup of water can soothe inflamed sinus cavities. Another treatment is saline nasal spray, which can be purchased in a pharmacy. A hot water bottle; hot, wet compresses; or an electric heating pad applied over the inflamed area also can be comforting.

When medical treatment fails, surgery may be the only alternative for treating chronic sinusitis. Studies suggest that the vast majority of patients who undergo surgery have fewer symptoms and better quality of life. In children, problems often are eliminated by removal of adenoids obstructing nasal-sinus passages. Adults who have had allergic and infectious conditions over the years sometimes develop nasal polyps that interfere with proper drainage. Removal of these polyps and/or repair of a deviated septum to ensure an open airway often provides considerable relief from sinus symptoms. The most common surgery done today is functional endoscopic sinus surgery, in which the natural openings from the sinuses are enlarged to allow drainage. This type of surgery is less invasive than conventional sinus surgery and serious complications are rare.

Prevention

Although people cannot prevent all sinus disorders -- any more than they can avoid all colds or bacterial infections -- they can take certain measures to reduce the number and severity of the attacks and possibly prevent sinusitis from becoming chronic.

Many people with sinusitis find partial relief from their symptoms when humidifiers are installed in their homes, particularly if room air is heated by a dry forced-air system. Air conditioners help to provide an even temperature, and electrostatic filters attached to heating and air conditioning equipment are helpful in removing allergens from the air.

A person susceptible to sinus disorders, particularly one who also is allergic, should avoid cigarette smoke and other air pollutants. Inflammation in the nose caused by allergies predisposes a patient to a strong reaction to all irritants. Drinking alcohol also causes the nasal-sinus membranes to swell.

Sinusitis-prone persons may be uncomfortable in swimming pools treated with chlorine, since it irritates the lining of the nose and sinuses. Divers often experience congestion with resulting infection when water is forced into the sinuses from the nasal passages.

Air travel, too, poses a problem for the individual suffering from acute or chronic sinusitis. A bubble of air trapped within the body expands as air pressure in a plane is reduced. This expansion causes pressure on surrounding tissues and can result in a blockage of the sinuses or the eustachian tubes in the ears. The result may be discomfort in the sinus or middle ear during the plane's ascent or descent. Doctors recommend using decongestant nose drops or inhalers before the flight to avoid this difficulty.

People who suspect that their sinus inflammation may be related to dust, mold, pollen, or food -- or any of the hundreds of allergens that can trigger a respiratory reaction -- should consult a doctor. Various tests can determine the cause of the allergy and also help the doctor recommend steps to reduce or limit allergy symptoms.

*Source: US National Institute of Health. Sinusitis. http://www.webmd.com/cold-and-flu/sinusitis-allergies May 5, 2008, pp. 1-5.

Derf and I spent 13 hours in a bus last Wednesday. The bus took on a night trip to Sorsogon. We arrived exhausted (from lack of sleep and uncomfortable position, imagine sitting all 13 hours in the bus with only ONE stop-over in Lucena, Quezon the night before!) Our main goal is to visit my lolo who is in the hospital for the past two weeks and who no longer desires to eat food, has been sick since he had an apendicitis surgery and is now having kidney trouble and high blood pressure. That's why I decided to go home. Because I feared I will no longer be able to see him in his warm body. And because I wanted to share to him how he will be able to have eternal life.

We didn't even have a time to sleep. Right after we set foot on Sorsogon City, we went immediately to Sorsogon Provincial Hospital where he was confined. We stayed there (all of us suffering from seemingly hot and humid weather, Me, Derf, my mother, my lola and my lolo who was asleep the whole time; the only time he opened his eyes was later that afternoon, he recognized me and Derf, and I saw a tear fell). At 3:00 PM, we rode a jeepney to a 2-hour trip to my hometown, Irosin. Only to return to the hospital at 8:00 PM. We spent all night fanning my lolo because we didn't bring any electric fan with us and the electric fans we saw at Robertson's were really expensive!

The next day, March 28, 2008, we planned to go back to Irosin so Derf could visit my lolo and lola's farm where my aunt and uncle are currently piling up "ripe" coconuts for copra and so we can have a sip of fresh buko for free and as much as we want to. With all the concerns I had since the time we arrived, I even forgot this is our Monthsary! How dare me forget this day. **sighs** Anyway, after we had our breakfast (at Jollibee, hehe), we went to LCC to purchase grocery for my siblings in Irosin who are left alone because my mother is in the hospital. Thanks to my sister Vanessa, everything is going fine at our house. Eventually, we arrived at Irosin at 11:00 AM, which is already very late for a trip to salog (as we fondly call my lolo and lola's farm and is Bikol word for "river" because their farm are very near the river) that we just have to cancel that and spend the rest of the remaining hours with my siblings. At 2:30 PM we shall be going back to Manila. And so we did.

This is by far the shortest time I had in Sorsogon. I usually stay there for at least one week before I go back t Manila. But, we also have things to do in Manila that's why we can't afford to stay more than we planned to stay (even if we really wanted to, just so we can have a break from the polluted city and the stresses of work).

On the bus going to Manila, we were able to capture a few scenes we sure will miss in Sorsogon, and something which will bound us to go back over and over again. **I'll post the pics next time, I can't upload image right now.**

I am uber stressed these days. For some unknown reasons I tend to change my mood at the blink of an eye. This is not PMS (or is it). Or was it because I seem to have a lot of problems these days, and mostly, family problems. Sometimes, I do have this feeling that everytime my mother or any relative would text me, it be another cause to worry. And indeed, my guess has not failed me since. It started last year, and until now, we are still under recovery and is still striving to recover from the various "storms" (both literally and figuratively) that hit us. First, my sister was ill and have to undergo an operation, and then my brother's arms were fractured, and then my two sisters having a baby and getting married, another brother's arms fractured, my getting sick, my grandfather being rushed to the hospital, and the financial, emotional, physical crisis that went with it.

There were just so many things to think. I haven't have a peaceful sleep since last week. And if this continues, I might need the help of a sleeping pill so I could at least sleep (and not wake up every hour after I drowse off to dreamland and dream of endlessness).

Yeah, I know there's God. The source of all peace and wisdom and provisions. I know. I might have to tell myself that truth every second, every breath to continuously remind my worrying nature and my quitter brain that there is someone bigger than all these. Even though sometimes I have to hammer this promise to my head in order to really sink in. Even though it's harder to wait for the rainbow to arch its way into this stormy weather.

What an opportuned time to reflect on God's goodness demonstrated on the cross!

[1]"When the oceans rise and thunders roar,
I will soar with you above the storm.
Father You are King over the flood,
I will be still, know You are GOD."

Please help me be still and know that You are in control Lord.

[2]Psalm 46

One of the reasons why I wanna quit this job is not because I'm having a hard time keeping up, but because there has been a number of ill feelings regarding this job that I try very hard to hide.

There has been a number things I've expected that has not been met, and until now, whenever I think about it, my ill feeling keeps on coming back. I applied for a support specialist position, and that is where they hired me. Unfortunately, things had not been properly coordinated with the human resources department that I ended up not getting the position I applied for with a much lower position, and eventually, with a lower salary compared to my contemporary. Really, I don't mind starting in a lower position. It's just that, they should have told me in the first place about it. So I wouldn't expect greater than what they told me I would get. I only learned about these things actually when I was actually already working. But I only kept quiet. Because I thought there's nothing else I can do about it. But eventually, I started to speak up and relayed my situation to the authority. But unfortunately again, even after 4 times renewal of contract, and for almost a year now, my position, nor my salary did not change. And I am still holding back these feelings, and trying to keep them on my own. Although I wanted to bad to act something about it because they are being unfair to me, my previous actions did not earn me anything anyway, and so I stopped saying anything, only harboring more ill feelings. From time to time, every pay day that is, when I am reminded of this "injustice" that I felt they have incurred to me, this feeling grows even bigger. And the desire to get out of this place grows stronger also. Although, I don't know if my efforts have not been strong enough or if God is really making me stay in this place. Because until now, I still have nowhere else to go, and so I have to stay here, until I finally find a new place to start things again.

Now that I am seriously considering settling down anytime soon, the more I have this feeling to get out of this place to somewhere far better. Although I don't know yet where that far better is. Because as of this very moment, I don't think I can go on living like this for the rest of this contract.

I just hope that things will really work out for me in my attempts to seek for new and bigger things outside the four corners of this office.

temperaments have their own share of ups and downs..and right now, i just feel the "need" of being the melancholic me..i want to be alone..meditate on the things that are going on in my life..ponder upon the next steps to take..think hard on how i would be able to really enjoy every day of my life..i think i have been too pressured (stressed, even) of the situations in my family right now..there's just a lot of things going on in the office (thank God it seems to be going smoothly now) and here it is again..my sister had been on and off in the hospital because of stomach aches..now, she's in there again..but this time, they said it has something to do with her kidney..my mother did not elaborate it so i don't know exactly what's going on there..i called her the other night and she was just crying and saying she's having a hard time there..my sister is a special child..she was born premature, 7 months..and even the few weeks after my mother gave birth to her, she has been to different hospitals..she is very much vulnerable to sickness when she was a child and she has asthma..back then, i have no idea what is a special child..she was not able to learn to walk, and when she talks, she is stuttering..even now, she constantly needs attention because she can not do the things most of us can..while i was talking to my mother the other night on the phone, i can hear her heavy breaths and mumbling..it has been almost 2 years since i went back home..the last time i was there was during new year's break of 2005..these are the moments i would want to take the next bus to sorsogon and see for myself what's happening back home..but as far as i want that, i also know that i need to go to work so i will be able to help my parents in taking care of the expenses..i just hope and pray that things will soon be a-ok so i could also quiet my mind which is almost always wondering and wandering about them..the other night also, i told derf i wanter to be alone for a while..but he did not insist on that..instead he stayed by my side and let me cry..but there are still tensions that i need to pour out..more tears i want to let go..and i think, i just think, that i could do that in solitude..only me..and God...