pretty amazing grace

temperaments have their own share of ups and downs..and right now, i just feel the "need" of being the melancholic me..i want to be alone..meditate on the things that are going on in my life..ponder upon the next steps to take..think hard on how i would be able to really enjoy every day of my life..i think i have been too pressured (stressed, even) of the situations in my family right now..there's just a lot of things going on in the office (thank God it seems to be going smoothly now) and here it is again..my sister had been on and off in the hospital because of stomach aches..now, she's in there again..but this time, they said it has something to do with her kidney..my mother did not elaborate it so i don't know exactly what's going on there..i called her the other night and she was just crying and saying she's having a hard time there..my sister is a special child..she was born premature, 7 months..and even the few weeks after my mother gave birth to her, she has been to different hospitals..she is very much vulnerable to sickness when she was a child and she has asthma..back then, i have no idea what is a special child..she was not able to learn to walk, and when she talks, she is stuttering..even now, she constantly needs attention because she can not do the things most of us can..while i was talking to my mother the other night on the phone, i can hear her heavy breaths and mumbling..it has been almost 2 years since i went back home..the last time i was there was during new year's break of 2005..these are the moments i would want to take the next bus to sorsogon and see for myself what's happening back home..but as far as i want that, i also know that i need to go to work so i will be able to help my parents in taking care of the expenses..i just hope and pray that things will soon be a-ok so i could also quiet my mind which is almost always wondering and wandering about them..the other night also, i told derf i wanter to be alone for a while..but he did not insist on that..instead he stayed by my side and let me cry..but there are still tensions that i need to pour out..more tears i want to let go..and i think, i just think, that i could do that in solitude..only me..and God...