pretty amazing grace

I am unwritten, can't read my mind, I'm undefined
I’m just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you can not find
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

I break tradition, sometimes my tries, are outside the lines
We've been conditioned to not make mistakes, but I can't live that way

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you can not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
But the rest is still unwritten

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten
The rest is still unwritten
The rest is still unwritten

By: Natasha Bedingfield

Footnote: The rest is still unwritten in my life... There's more to come!

INGREDIENTS:

• 1 pound boneless, skinless chicken breasts

Marinade:

• 1 tablespoon light soy sauce
• 1 tablespoon dry sherry

Other:

• 4 garlic cloves, finely minced
• 2 green onions, finely chopped on the diagonal
• a few drops sesame oil
• 2 tablespoons light soy sauce
• 1 tablespoon dry sherry
• 1/4 teaspoon chili paste
• Oil for stir-frying

PREPARATION:

temperaments have their own share of ups and downs..and right now, i just feel the "need" of being the melancholic me..i want to be alone..meditate on the things that are going on in my life..ponder upon the next steps to take..think hard on how i would be able to really enjoy every day of my life..i think i have been too pressured (stressed, even) of the situations in my family right now..there's just a lot of things going on in the office (thank God it seems to be going smoothly now) and here it is again..my sister had been on and off in the hospital because of stomach aches..now, she's in there again..but this time, they said it has something to do with her kidney..my mother did not elaborate it so i don't know exactly what's going on there..i called her the other night and she was just crying and saying she's having a hard time there..my sister is a special child..she was born premature, 7 months..and even the few weeks after my mother gave birth to her, she has been to different hospitals..she is very much vulnerable to sickness when she was a child and she has asthma..back then, i have no idea what is a special child..she was not able to learn to walk, and when she talks, she is stuttering..even now, she constantly needs attention because she can not do the things most of us can..while i was talking to my mother the other night on the phone, i can hear her heavy breaths and mumbling..it has been almost 2 years since i went back home..the last time i was there was during new year's break of 2005..these are the moments i would want to take the next bus to sorsogon and see for myself what's happening back home..but as far as i want that, i also know that i need to go to work so i will be able to help my parents in taking care of the expenses..i just hope and pray that things will soon be a-ok so i could also quiet my mind which is almost always wondering and wandering about them..the other night also, i told derf i wanter to be alone for a while..but he did not insist on that..instead he stayed by my side and let me cry..but there are still tensions that i need to pour out..more tears i want to let go..and i think, i just think, that i could do that in solitude..only me..and God...

I planned this day to be full of things to take care of because I really need to apply for clearance, transcript and get my diploma in the university registrar. But instead of this, I am here, blogging, surfing the net, out of the office and at somebody else's home. What happened was that the offices has been canceled for the rest of the day because of the typhoon Egay.

I thank God that even though I wasn't able to do the things I planned to do, I have time to rest as well.. I've been really stressed the past months and there hasn't been enough time to rest. Although I sleep every night, there's always the thought that tomorrow I will be waking up early again because I have to prepare myself for another workday. So this is really a long weekend for me. Friday to Monday since Monday is a holiday and the Madam President declared no office and no school. I just hope that I can really use this time to refresh and replenish whatever I've overused the past months of my life.

Actually, I'm still thinking how to spend my long weekend in a way that I would really be nourished when Tuesday comes. Hmm... I was hoping ideas would pop-up in my head before it's too late so there's also time for preparation and all (if necessary). I thought of going to Sorsogon but I guess this is not a good time for that, anyway, my mother is supposed to come here hopefully next week for her check-up and medications. So that option has already been dealt with. I'll just wait for my mother here. And go to the province this Christmas? No accurate plans yet, but I know I will be in my hometown this Christmas break, because I wasn't able to go last year.

I've been listening to alternatives right now. Kind of Coldplay, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Sting, even Bob Marley, U2 and Eraserheads. Derf is sleeping and this is his lullabye, so I guess I have no choice but to play it, and I'm kinda liking it anyways. Perks up my mood. So much for a lullabye. We're here at Ate Flor's. The original plan is to just leave here the laptop and some of out things and then go to the registrar. But (thank God I called first) I was told that classes (and offices) has already been suspended. So we just stayed here. Me doing the one thing I love, blogging and well surfing the net, and him, sleeping. Shhh... And Vangie sipping a cup of coffee.. Very enticing. Maybe later, I'll make myself a cup. Great, so now I can't seem to last the day without a cup of coffee? Tsk, tsk... It's becoming a habit now. But they say coffee is good. On moderation. Is one cup a day still on moderation? I think so, I hope so.

Anyway, it's now time to play SIMS.. Haha!

"did you ever knew, that I had mine on you..."

Source: www.youtube.com

Sometimes, we really come to a point in life where God lay down several difficult choices so we will learn not to lean on our own wisdom, not on our own knowledge, but to fully trust Him, and to depend on Him...

I don't know what to think right now... I don't know what I'm feeling... It's just so unclear... Things had been very much blurred to me these days... I know I need to decide on things soon but I'm afraid of what it would do to me so I constantly procrastinate my decisions... And so, until now, I'm still being bothered by these things I need to ponder upon.! I don't know what to do? Still the same question, over and over again...

God, please show me the way...Right now, I can really say, "I am standing on Your grace, and Your grace alone!"

Thank you www.the-infinite.org

A rise in the temperature of the body; frequently a symptom of infection.

Synonyms: febricity, febrility, feverishness, pyrexia

I've been very upset and stressed by what is going on in the office lately. I am very much troubled because I felt that these things concern me a lot as well as my performance and much more, my relationship with them. Of course, I really want to be in good terms with everybody, on the contrary, that is not the case.

I felt that everything I do right now is being judged as to whether it is in favor or against someone. The more I wanted to, as much as possible, please them, the more my actions are being used against me. Help! What should I do?

These are the times when I really wanted to escape these harsh realities of life and return to solitude. I have been thinking about these a couple of times now. And I felt that I really should think about it and pray about it really, really well. I don't know if this really is part of my escaping, but I believe my relationship with my co-workers matters a lot with my performance at work, especially when the projects I am handling needs to be constantly discussed with these people. So I am really having a hard time thinking and deciding whether I pursue leaving this or just face them all. Of course, facing them is one thing I am struggling about and my best option (or shall I say, escape) thus far is really to get out of here and go to somewhere else. But where is somewhere else? *temperature rising*

Every time we have our breakfast in Jollibee Philcoa, I never fail to hear this one song in their playlist. I know it is an MYMP song, but I never really knew the lyrics, until now..


SA'YO LAMANG

Sa bawat araw na nilikha
Nagtatanong ba’t di makita
Ang magpupuno ng ligaya
Kapiling tuwing nag-iisa
Sa tuwing lungkot ay magbabanta

Di akalain na ako’y mahalin
Di napansin ng ako’y iyong sagipin
Ng pag-ibig mong tunay
Nawalay ang lumbay
Ngayong kapiling ka sa buhay

[chorus]
Sayo lamang panatag ang loob
Sayo lamang umibig ng lubusan
Panalangin, ito’y panghabang-buhay
Pagkat sa piling mo
Ramdam ng puso ko
Sayo lamang ang buhay ko’y buo

Di akalain na ako’y mahalin
Di napansin ng ako’y iyong sagipin
Ng pag-ibig mong tunay
Nawalay ang lumbay
Ngayong kapiling ka sa buhay

[repeat chorus]

Di ko hinanap
Dumating ang siyang pangarap
Wag ng mawalay pa
Tadhanang kay ganda

[repeat chorus]

Pagkat sa piling mo
Ramdam ng puso ko
Sayo lamang ang buhay ko’y buo


Now I know..
Thanks to this site: http://lyrics.rebelpixel.com/albums/mymp-new-horizon/

I bet you have also been wondering what your name means?..
I just wanna share mine. *winks* That's the vain part!..

Salve is a Roman greeting. It is an interjection, a playful expression. There exists a subtle difference between "Salve" and "Buon giorno" (Good morning). One cannot say "salve" to a superior or to a senior, as one is confidential with him. "Salve" is the second person of the imperative of the verb "salvere", which means "being well", "being in good health". In the case of more people, one uses the second person of the plural imperative, "salvete". Examples: "Salve Piemonte" (Carducci); "Salve regina, mater misericordiae".

Salve was a common greeting in Latin during the Roman Empire period. "Salve" addresses a person whereas "Salvete" addresses a group. Other common Latin greetings, like "civis", were common responses. Its usage carries on in modern Italian today.

I like this meaning more than the first one, though.. *winks again*

Salve is a medical ointment used to soothe the head or other body surface. A popular eye medicine known as "Phrygian powder" was one of Laodicea's sources of wealth. The medical school at Laodicea was famous for the preparation and use of this eye salve.

A Drawing salve is a salve used to treat boils, ingrown toenails, splinters, etc. It is also known as Black Ointment, or Icthyol Salve. The main ingredients are often ichthammol, phenyl alcohol, or arnica montana, and several familiar herbs such as echinacea or calendula.

I like the second one more because of its healing prowess.. *winks* Kinda make me feel good.. I just wish I would be what my name implies.. Of course, not literally heal sickness, but maybe, I can with my words or actions.. It's a big responsibility!.. That's the challenge!.. *smiles*


Source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Salve

I cut my hair!..
I really did cut my hair!.
Short!
I can't believe this..
I'm so sorry hair..
If I have to cut you..
I think I'm just out of my mind..
For a moment..
*Sighs*
I'm just having one of those days I guess..
I know not what to do..
So I put all my frustrations on my poor hair..
It's not really a big deal..
Maybe it is..
For me..

On that same day, while we were sending notes and discussing about things of the past, we were also discussing political thoughts which started when I broke out the news about President Gloria Macapagal Arroyo's State of the Nation Address (SONA) this Monday,.. The following conversations occurred:


M: ... gusto ko na magfriday..hehe

S: gusto ko na magbakasyon.. inggit ako kay derf kasi wala silang pasok sa monday, SONA kasi,. tapos may sembreak pa sila.. huhuhuhuhu.. kainis.. bakit tayo, walang ganyan?..

M: punta tayo congress

S: kelan?..

M: sa sona...syempre

S: hindi nga pwede, kasi may pasok tayo..

M: pwede....bakit hind tayo pwedeng makibahagi...mamamyan din naman tayo ng ating bansang tinubuan...ito ang tahanan ng ating lahi...tayo ay kanyang kinukupkop at tinutulungan upang maging malakas, maligaya at kapakipakinabang...bilang ganti...ay diringgin ko ang sona ni pangulong arroyo upang malaman ang mga bagong proyekto nang sa gayon ay maging mabuting mamamayan ako sa isip sa salita at sa gawa...

S: maganda sana ang iyong adhikain.. subalit, minsan, lalo na sa mundong ating ginagalawan kung saan ang mga tao ay unti-unti nang nabubulag sa mga masasalimuot na nangyayari sa kapaligiran, unti-unti na ring nawawala ang pagmamahal sa sariling bayan.. tingnan mo tayo, naturingang isang kompanya na nagbibigya ng serbisyo publiko sa mga mamamayan ng Maynila, pero hindi naman tayo maaaring makadalo sa ganung mga pagtitipon dahil lamang maraming mga bagay pang iniatang sa atin.. Kahit man lamang isang araw na maipahayag natin ang ating pagmamahal sa ating bayan sa pagdinig sa SONA ng ating pangulo, hindi natin magawa dahil sa mga proyektong ito.. Ganito ba ang sinasabing paglilingkod sa mamamayang Pilipino???!!!

M: ngunit ano pang halaga kung tayo ay tunay namang nagigng mangmang sa mga bagay-bagay ukol sa adhikain ng ating mga pinuno....at lalo namang anong halaga kung tayo ay mamamalgi sa silid na ito? Maaaring ang ating mga katawan ay naririto subalit ang atin namang mga isipan at gawa ay nakikibahagi sa mga walang kabuluhang bagay....tulad na lamang ng ginagawa natin sa mga sandaling ito. Ako ay lubos na sumasang-ayon na mayroon tayong mas mahahalaga pang bagay na kailangang harapin bilang bahagi ng butihing institusyong ito...Datapwa't sa ganang akin kung wala rin lamang kabulastugan ang ating gagawin...mas mainam na nmakibahagi sa labas...

S: Maging ang mga katulad nating nakulong sa isang ganitong uri ng sistema ay nararapat lamang na bigyan din ng kalayaang makibahagi sa mga nagaganap sa labas ng apat na sulok ng silid na ito.. Tunay ang iyong mga tinuran.. Sapagkat tayo man, ay nagmamahal din sa ating Inang Bayan. Hindi lamang naman ang silid na ito ang ating lalakbayin, at hindi lamang naman tayo dito mananatili hanggang sa tayo ay tuluyan nang malagot.. Kung kaya naman, malugod kong inaayunan ang iyong mga tinuringang pananalita na tayo ay patuloy na makibahagi pa rin sa ating mga kapuwa Pilipino na patuloy na umasa na sa lalo't madali ay patuloy nang maibangon ang bayang ito sa lugmok na kaniyang dinadaanan. Tila baga ito'y isang panggising sa ating mga nagpapawis at nagpapagod na patuloy na magsumikap sa ating mga gawain, hindi lamang upang patuloy na paunlarin ang ating sariling mga kapakanan, nang sa ganun, tayo rin ay maging bahagi sa mga layunin ng ating pamahalaang patuloy na maayos at mapabuti ang kalagayan ng bawat Pilipino..

M: ako ay tunay na nagagalak at kata ay lubos na nagkakaunawaan sa ganang ito gayundin dahil sa ang ating mga hangarin sa inang bayan ay napakainam....Kung sana lamang ganito ang lahat, disin sana'y ang inang bayan ay isa na ngang bansa ng pagkakapatiran at pag-uunawaan.....na patuloy na lumilipad tungo sa kaunlaran at kaginhawaan. Kung gayon...wala nang mga nagsisiphayo at nagpapagal...lahat ay mabibiyayaan nang nararapat sa kanya. Subalit nakakalungkot isipin na hindi ganito ang inihahain sa atin ng katotohanan. Tunay na nakakalungkot. Mataman kong isipin ang solusyon sa malaon nang suliraning ito....alam ko na ako ay nagsasayang lamang ng panahon at lakas. Ang batang katawan na ito ay hindi ko maaaring aksayahin sa mga bagay na alam kong hindi basta-basta nasosolusyunan dahil matagal nang naka-ugat sa ating sistema. Hangad ko man na anyayahan ang lahat na pagmalasakitan ang bayan....mas mainam na lamang siguro na maging piping modelo.

S: Di nga ba't malaon na ring nahayag ang ganyang damdamin ngunit magpahanggang ngayon, tila patuloy pa rin namang pipi at bulag ang nakararami sa reyalidad na patuloy na kumukulong sa bayang ito. Marahil, mainam din ang pananahimik, at hindi pagkibo.. Ako man, nakakaramdam ng pagkaligalig sa tuwinang ako'y may masisilayang isang abang nilalang na nahahapo na sa pagtanim datap'wat ang aanihi'y hindi naman sapat. Ano mang aking naisin na sila'y mabigyang kalayaang mamuhay ng maginhawa, sa katayuan ko ngayon, nakikinita kong hindi rin magiging madali, sapagkat ako man, may mga hinaing din sa tila baga hiindi patas na sistema.. Paano kung gayun? Hindi ko maarok sa kasalukuyan. Bagaman, bukod sa aking katahimikan, marahil, marahil sa darating na panahon, nang ako'y ibayo nang nahasa sa pamamaraan ng buhay, pasasaan ba at malalaman ko rin ang kasagutan; at marahil, matututo ring magbahagi sa mas nakararami..

M: sa iyong palagay....kung ako ay iyong mabibigyan ng mainam na payo....may magagawa ba ako kung ako ay maglilingkod sa bayan sa pamamagitan ni G. T___? Sa aking pagninilay-nilay....naisip ko na sa uri ng gawain mayroon ako sa araw-araw...napakalayo ko upang marinig....at pakinggan. Nguni't kung mabibigyan ng pagkakataon....marahil mas magkakaroon ako ng boses kung ako ay magiging mababang alagad ng isang mambabatas (kahit na sa kaibuturuan ng aking puso alam kong kapwa lang kami manggagamitan -- ako sa kanyang salapi, impluwensya at ang isa'y nalalaman mo na; siya sa aking dunong, talino at kakayahan).

S: Siguro nga, marahil, hindi malayong mangyari. Naniniwala rin naman ako na ano pa man ang kinalalagyan natin sa ngayon ay maaaring magamit upanga tayo ay patuloy na makaambag sa patuloy na ikagaganda ng sinasabi nating sistema. Kung sa iyong palagay, mas lalago ka at mas magagamit ka sa ganoong uri ng pakikibaka, wala na akong ibang hangad kung hindi ay ang iyong patuloy na pag-unlad. Dili nga ba't lahat tayo ay may kani-kaniyang lugar sa mundong ito na kailangang punuan at gampanan upang ito ay patuloy na uminog nang maluwalhati. Gayunman, maaari ring tayo ay nasa isang punto nang ating batang isipan na tayo ay patuloy pa ring naghahanap ng isang bagay na maaari nating masabing pinuhunanan natin. Upang sa ating pagtanda, may maipagmalaki tayong naibahagi natin sa abang bayang ito..

M: Maraming salamat sa iyong payo. Panalangin ko na sana..dalhin ng Bathala ang ating mga paa sa dapat nating kalagyan nang sa gayon ay magampanan natin ang mga tungkulin na malaon namang naiatang sa ating mga pagal na balikat.

Gustuhin ko man na ipagpatuloy ang pakikipagtalastasang ito, ikinalulungkot ko na kailangan na nating itong tapusin. Kaya ng lahat ng bagay sa mundo, ang lahat ay nalalagot....kung ito ay panumandalian lamang......isang araw...ang ating mga pag-iisip ay muling magtatagpo upang punan ang mga isipan nating laging uhaw sa karunungan...Salamat at isang magandang araw.

S: Hanggang sa muli..

Everyone seems so lazy that morning in the office. M asked me if I know about a certain Dear Paul by Barbie's Cradle. I said yes, and sent to her a line or two from that song (using TNote*).. And so this conversation starts...


S: "don't you know, eleven years is a long time, to break a heart. Eleven years is long enough, to make agirl insane.. you make a girl insane Paul.. you make a girl insane.."

M: so just what are you trying to insinuate?

S: hehe.. nothing.. funny just how a line or two can make you think sometimes.. hahaha!

M: funny just how a line or two can make me fall in a deep nostalgic thoughts....sigh! DARN!!!!

S: oh so true! funny indeed! hahaha!

M: oh my dear friend, yesterday we were just trying to decipher the mysteries, nay, funny behaviour of the male species...we were quite enganged into an intellectual conversation....But now, it's as if the godess of love has just showered her gift of bitter love, thence, making us fuss over a song quite apt for hopeless romantic damsel whose love has long been gone......(hahaha! kakabasa ng romance pocketbook)

S: how deep the thoughts.. how lonely a song can get.. *sighs* i believe, we should get past this abstruse longing for love of long ago dreaming.. (shocks! it's so hard.. hirap mag -english.. haha!) can't find the words to say..

M: indeed, for one's mind can only fathom so much and then wonder forever! (MY GOSH BAKIT NGAYON LANG KASI DUMATING TO>>NASIRA TULOY MOMENTUM KO....IN fairness nakakaaliw. dugtungan mo pa para gumaling tayo sa english)

S: and wander it goes.. just like the song.. while playing, so the memories come.. but as it ends, even the memories can not bring to an end the longing for a heart that has been captured by some mysterious power that has caused the mind to go on wandering.. and dreaming.. until more and more, we reach into a sight of things that should have been there; although in reality, nothingness..

M: Madam...i suggest that we halt for a while....to make way for some more things to be accomplished, perhaps like filling our stomach...for our mind cannot make such an inteelectual conversation if our stomach are indeed lack of nourishment...

*break*

S: "We can try to forget tomorrow, or make it last forever.." As the dawn of the new beginning arises, there is no assurance that old memories will no longer haunt you.. For just as the songs of the yesterdays keeps on coming back, so too these reminders of the past even if they are kept in the deepest parts of our being.. Until someone might once again bring back the feelings you've been wanting to let go since that beginning..

M: you speak your mind with so much eloquence it's as if you have been dugged from the deepest of your emotions all these melancholic thoughts...much to my surprise. i wonder have you gone through with the very same experience as mine? have, somewhere in the past, you lost someone so dear to you, dearly enough to make you decide nirvana is where you want to be with him?

S: Nay, my friend. Although sometimes, the language of the song makes you feel as if you have been through all this, and makes you feel so vulnerable to these kind of emotions of the heart. Although, I should say, never had I been like you, and what you might be feeling right now I may not have gone through.. I may have experienced a longing as such but feeling seemed to have left me the day I realized that there's another mystery unfolding right before my eyes.. And this mystery I now am part of has taught me to put back things of the past and instead long forward, even unto the uncertainties of the time yet to come...

M: I'm glad, very glad indeed, that the "mystery", which you have just referred to, has given you the eagerness to face each morning with so much vigor, and pleasure and hope....How I wish I may be able to have a taste...even for a while (or perhaps forever) of such sweet thing..or should I say..love...for I know it is the feeling of being in love that shall steal me from this misery, which from such a long time now shattering me into pieces. I confess, it still breaks my fragile heart even though 11 sweet years of agony had already dawned on me. Too bad, that it is still him who owns me... albeit I'm quite missing the feeling of not being able to calm myself because of a new welcoming feeling is tickling my heart.....

S: A new welcoming feeling, may I ask? For we are not to live in the past, as is your wish to free yourself from this bondage, I pray also that in a perfect time, this new welcoming feeling would reveal to you the depth of a new life that is wanting to grow more and more each day. The feeling that something that precious shoudl be nourished each day with all the care, all the joy, all the wonder of this life. Alas, it is with such great sorrow that we sometimes have to let go of our longing for the past in order for us to fully experience this new welcoming feeling..

M: May I let myself clear, the "new welcoming feeling"....well...perhaps I am elaborating much when I want to mean love as something refreshing yet such a nuisance to my sane mind and sober heart....my sincerest apology. At the same time, I am deeply touched by your concern for my feelings....I am very much grateful...please receive my hugs and kisses, which I sealed with this note, as my way of expressing how thankful I am. And yes, I, myself pray to the ONE who knows more than we do that in due time, true love will unmasked itself to make me forget of that most lamentable yet sweetest piece of my past...If only I could drag the time so quickly for that much awaited moment

S: Waiting is as much painful as letting go is. For who would enjoy waiting, not knowing if something such lovely a gift as genuine love would come our way and if indeed that love would stay with us for the rest of our life. Who knows when a butterfly will fly unto our open hands? Who knows how long will that butterfly will stay in our hands? Or if it will go, when? How could we make it stay? See how this deep emotions have brought us into this conversation. What more if that reality of love has dawned to us face to us..

M: I so much agree with you. Nevertheless, I am quite happy and contended of having the liberty of living my life according to my own will as of the moment thus I'm in no haste to chase a butterfly..what only bothers me is that I am not quite sure yet of how to free myself from the cold prison walls of the past....If only I knew how then I could be freed from my misery and be totally gay. You see the memories of that knight-in-shining-armor-turned-ogre still haunt me.....I want the remedy much in a hurry so that I won't waste too much time denying myself of true happiness, There's more to life than the foolish thoughts of him, I know....Life is too short to live it just for him. Hush!

How I wish we could engage in this conversation much longer...however, there are other things that need attention. In as much as I want to discuss with you anything under the good 'ol sun, I am afraid, this has to cease.....but not for long..For tomorrow is yet another day of sweet talk...a day to demystify the beauty of being alive.
Thank you for such a wonderful day...Until then...Ciao!

S: Thank you for your kind words and honesty. It has indeed been a time! Until then..


Special Mention:
Dear Paul by Barbie's Cradle
Come A Little Bit Closer by Brandy


* TNOTE (TM) or TurboNote is a handy little program for Windows 95 or later that lets you "stick" notes to your screen and send them to others. Use them for reminders, for messages, for telephone notes, to-do lists, Web and email addresses, office memos or anything else that occurs to you. For more information, visit http://TurboNote.com

No one will love me if they knew all the things I hide
My words fell to the floor as tears drip to the telephone line

And the words I've seen raised to the sky
Not waving but drowning all this time
I'll try to build the ark that they need
To float to you upon the crystal sea

Give me your hand to hold
Cause I can't stand the cold
And love alone is not enough to hold us up
We've got to touch your rope
So swing your rope down low
Swing your rope down low

Prince of despair's been beaten you know but the losers still fight
Death's on a long leash stealing my friends to the night

And everyone cries for innocence
They say to love the guilty too
And I'm surrounded by suffering and sickness
So I'm working tearing back the roof

And the pain of the world is a burden
And it's my cross to bear
And I stumble under all the weight
I know your Simon standing there
And I know you're standing there...



(C) Love Alone. Caedmon's Call.

When was still in college, I would often wish I could turn the time forward to when I am already working, already earning for myself, already out there in the world on my own.. Just to escape the readings I have to finish in time for the exam, or the papers I have to pass in the morning..

Now, I'm in that world I've been looking forward to, and boy, it's not as easy as I thought it would be.. I thought that because I'd only be thinking of my work from 8 AM to 5 PM, I would no longer be obligated to spend my nights doing more work, as we often do when we were students with all the homeworks and papers and reports to do. The past months when we were so busy with a lot of projects at hand and with only me and Maya and our boss manning our department, it has been very very toxic. Derf has been prodding me to make it a point to go home by 5 PM.. But that is easy to say. Of course I could always say yes, I will go home by 5, but with all the work you still have to attend to at the end of the day, who cares if it's already 5 o'clock, as if I don't have all the time in the world, cause I really don't have all the time in the world; next day, new projects will arise as if to continually load us up and then we'll all be under the questioning of this very demanding users and your wanting to really make it a point to finish your projects well and excellent!

Whew! I want a break from all of these. I want a time out of this world.. If only I could spend even just one whole day without thinking of the problems at work or even the problems in my life and just indulge myself with a beautiful, relaxing, nature-binding experience.. I want to go somewhere I've never been to. I want to go somewhere full of trees and water (even though I don't swim, I just wanted to hear the sound of waves and rocks clashing together).. I want to sleep in a quiet room, no vehicles. I want to smell the freshness of God's creation, no smoke, no smelly canals or dirty pavements..

*sighs* Where? When? How? I don't know.. Only time will tell..

Once again, I am at a crossroad. After graduation, what's next? I had been applying for jobs the last days and weeks of my life, to no avail. Sometimes, it's so easy to just give up. But I could not just do that. I could not just give up. I could not ust give in to the pressure, to the luring of depression, and to my mistakes in the past. Past is past. And we should not be its prisoners; it will only bring us down and down, until we could no longer move forward. Too much self-pity that I did not gradaute on time or that I should have done my best in terms of my academics. The time is time when I should be concerned of what's now, what's here, of the present. Because it is through this present that my future is being made up.


And although I am not sure what will happen to me in the days to come, I have this assurance. That my God, the Lord of the Universe holds me at the palm of His hand, and that along the way, wherever I will be or whatever will become of me, He will never leave nor forsake me. He is the same God yesterday (who had always saw me through), today (continue molding me into being like His Son), and tomorrow!

*Smile*

I like changes, but am not fond of them. Why? Well, for once, I like changing myself, more like and hope so, for the better. But most of the times, I can not adspt well to the changes happening around me, especially situations, circumstances, and the likes. I like it when the year is changing, new hopes, new visions, etc. I like it when the day is changing, new day, new opportunity, and the likes. But when it comes to big changes such as going from one phase of life to next, argh, I am having a hard time coping with it. Most of the times, I end up being pressured by the things I need to do in order to keep up with the flow of events. And being pressured is not one of the joyous things in my life. Maybe, I just have a tme for myself. Maybe, not the perfect time for those people around me, but I know when I can fully function well, at a certain time I know and feel like it. Maybe, it takes a time. But I know I will do it everntually. Oftentimes, this is not the case because well, I don't have all the time in the world. Duh, it's revolving around the sun and rotating around its axis without any force or whatsoever coming from me, so why would it wait for me? What should I do? As if there's a lot of choices. Of course, I have to run with it!

Got to go!